Food for Thought: Shake It Out

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
- Florence + The Machine, Shake it Out

There is no shortage of pithy sayings on the internet about forgiveness. Some approach it from a spiritual context, some from a psychological theory and some from a Disney fairy tale. I approach forgiveness from common sense. How the f*ck long can you really be mad at someone without causing yourself injury?

Placed in collegiate terms, I would say forgiveness is a 300 level course and strictly for upperclassmen. Most of us are in How Dare You 101.

Here is my forgiveness curriculum.
301: The Bitch Whisperer – Walking away from a fight
302: Turning Tables
– Recognizing when enough is enough.
Today’s Life Lesson
303: Shake it Out

Practice giving up one grudge every week or every month.
Let me skip right to the midterm assignment, to heal an injury one must stop the name-calling and judgment first. Any behavior we become accustomed to soon becomes habit. It is impossible to put something behind us if we are obsessing on it. Being at peace is an active action, it is not a passive wish. The more anger you hold on to, the more adversely it impacts your health.

Give up the battle
Waving a white flag doesn’t mean you lost, it means you are giving up the fight. In my Life, if you are causing me more pain than pleasure I set you free. What are you really, really, really fighting for?

For example, if you are going through the process of a divorce, what is of more importance to you?
a. Punishing your former partner
b. Gaining your freedom
c. The property or money

If you want truly want your freedom, you capitulate. If you want anything other, you declare war. We all win at the games we are really playing, even if it comes at great loss. Be honest about your intentions, if only with yourself.

Lower your expectations
Some people are incapable of giving us what we need. Accept it. I set the bar so low for some people, they can trip, fall backward and still exceed my expectations. It is still mildly disappointing but the alternative is worse. I reserve my time wisely.

Let yourself BE.
Things will never be perfect. Life has never been fair. Accept that time makes better. Otherwise, you will tired, uninspired and the people who depend on you will suffer.

Dance with your ghosts.
In Turning Tables I wrote,”I now can close an emotional door without malice. The challenge is determining what form closure should arrive in and what the next appropriate action is.”

I have let go of grudges that I held for too long and I can now speak of former friends with good will. I have also found myself readmitting people into my emotional circle that I had once put behind me. It has been a pleasant surprise and it has been rewarding. It seems the break did us both good. I no longer feel haunted. Things are not as they were nor should they be. (Otherwise we will run into our old issues.) The relationships are different, stronger and more respectful.

Not so long ago, I lived as a hammer in search of a nail to pound. Therein lies hope that we all can grow and change.

Please don’t misunderstand me. There are complex dynamics between people that are not easily resolved. I still have a tiny handful of strained relationships, I am not a saint. The difference is I understand my reasoning and responsibility. When the dust settles, I can sit, shake it off, reexamine my actions and sweep the room clean. I now have options as opposed to set reactions.

My question to you is: What are you holding on to that it may be best for you to let go of?
- Erwin