A heart breaks in many ways. Whether it be death, separation, or financial loss, we all learn disappointment. Last Summer, for my birthday, I conducted my Exit Interview and chronicled the timeline of that entire birth year in pictures. The resulting video was raw, personal and honest. It was like performing an autopsy. I shared the video with only close friends for 24 hours then I locked it away. A year later, I am less attached to that time in my Life. Moreover, my commitment to help people outweighs anything that people may think of me. Today I am releasing the video like a butterfly.

I originally conceived The Perspiration Journal© website in 2009. It took about 8 months to go from conception to Spring 2010 launch. The original idea was to have a promotional vehicle for my work. Then in January 2010, I experienced a personal blow that set me back. The details of what happened are less relevant than the impact. I was as near to emotionally broken as I have ever been. That one event altered everything.

I. Accept You are Powerful and Powerless.
I entered that year so confident. Life wasn’t perfect but it was very good. I settled into a relationship that, in retrospect, was compromised from the start. Forging any relationship is always an act of faith. Here I was, months later, my faith betrayed, lying on my bedroom floor, gasping, grasping at my chest, fearing I was having a heart attack. Amidst the panic, I distinctly recall saying to myself, “How did I get here?”

II. Pay Attention to What You Missed
The elusive question, “How did I get here? How-did-”I”-get-here?” I had behaved honorably to the very end. This was my reward? I went from being a vibrant man to the walking dead in one night. Time of death Saturday 7:45pm. All of the coping mechanisms, aphorisms, coaching, self-awareness work, everything in my emotional arsenal that once worked to self-soothe evaporated. I had no comfort and no outlet.

I never felt self-pity throughout this ordeal. I never wanted the past back. I knew in Life there are no guarantees but this was beyond reason. I began to feel a rage rising deep inside of me and not being a person to act out violently I began to implode. Thus, my one and only panic attack occurred.

III. Stay in Today.
During this period, a dear friend called me every day, several times a day. She would remind I only needed to stay in today. I found that mantra incredibly helpful. A person in an emotional tailspin needs concrete directions not kind words. The directive to “stay in today” was a lifesaver.

I found I had the most anxiety when I started to think about next week, next month, next year, what other people were thinking, and all the other hypotheticals. I can share that if you just keep today alive, it lessens your load. Worry about tomorrow when you awake in the morning.

IV. Focus your energy on things that matter.
I never missed a day of work. I never broke down in public. All the while, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up whole. I look back and I don’t know how I walked through it. I am not religious. I am not particularly spiritual. I rested all my faith on the belief that time heals.

I didn’t go chase cheap forms of intoxication. I focused on work and home. I hired someone to help me organize my office. I settled my finances. I scheduled my routine physicals. Invested in fixing my home. I did tangible things to improve my Life. I also began to write.

V. Write for Yourself.
Express your internal monologue. You don’t need to speak your every thought. Release your feelings in type, photos, magazine clippings, an internet article, a quote, or any way you see fit but violence. I must admit that boxing training did help me release aggression.

Mostly, I wrote occasional letters to myself. I wrote letters to my offender. I didn’t send them. I just wrote to dump feelings and let it go. The outpouring of words planted seeds of confidence. I read my new writing. I re-read old journals and I discovered I was acting out a pattern. We repeat patterns to repair them.

VI. Talk to someone
Every professional has a mentor. Every athlete has a team of coaches and trainers. In baseball, if a pitcher has a slump they send him to see a sports psychologist. When Bill Clinton betrayed his wife, he sought pastoral counseling.

It is near impossible to break lifelong patterns all by yourself. Your friends and family want you to be happy. Being happy is not the same as being well. You can fake happy. Happy is transitional. Seek wholeness. It is the ultimate act of courage to face yourself. I saw this as a real opportunity to break free. Choose your path but please speak to someone trained in helping you see yourself.

VII. Perform the Autopsy
Stop asking “Why”. Ask “How”. I wondered “why” this happened? What was the other person thinking? All this did was distract me from what I was feeling. I resolved I will never know why. I was caught up in someone else’s pathology in as much as I was also following my own.

Giving up the “Why” allowed me to reclaim my breath. It created a hole in my armor for the steam of my rage to seep out. What I began to understand is closure is a gift I need to give to myself. Forgiveness is truly my whole hearted acceptance that the past could not be any different. I didn’t know better than I do now.

VIII. Don’t start again. Start anew.
The repercussions of my Winter betrayal reverberated throughout this latest birth year.

- I made new friends I wouldn’t have otherwise.
- I also lost friends. C’est la vie.
- I grew closer to my family and my family of established friends.
- I staged a 3-week solo adventure in New Zealand.
- I raised over $2,500 for charity.

I have had the experience of touching thousands of people around the world. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t faced my losses. Nothing is the same.

VIV. Live Your Life.
Lift your head up. Say Yes. Know when to say No. Do You.

This is how The Perspiration Journal©, as it is today, was born. It became a container for various Life lessons I have learned, am learning, and wish to share in the hope it would make someone else’s passage a little easier.

My Life is better today than it ever has been. It really is.